One essay = hundred days

I've been having writing an essay and it already took me more than a hundred days. the truth is i do not what to write, how to write my mind out and what i gathered, my past self is better than my current self at the moment. i have forgotten so many words that i am beginning to stumble upon words i used to know. it has been a while since i truly converse in English, I mean truly speaking in English, not counting the times i am speaking English with words other than English being in my English sentence. i have this habit of not speaking in English truly or rather seriously if the person i know i am speaking with is known to be able to understand Malay. i know that all Malaysian know how to speak Malay thus if i am going to stay forever in this country, i would not be able to speak English seriously and seriously i am beginning to believe that one day i will not be able to speak English at all. i am already scared that i will only be able to converse in English through writing and writing is never the same as speaking in English because when speaking i have to come with words and vocabulary instantly unlike writing where i can always depend on the computer to give me synonyms or translate whatever i want to say into perfect sense. oh how i wish i will be getting a free ticket out of the country so just i can explore the world and meet just everyone that i do not know and them not knowing how to speak Malay that i am force to speak correct English with them or else they will not understand whatever i am trying to converse with them. oh how awesome will it be if i ever be getting a golden leg that can kick so strong and run so fast i will never be needing a car to go anywhere anymore. however this is absurd and I KNOW.