Resolute Numbness

I am not a native speaker of english nor am i very fluent in it. it has been more than three years coming to the united states and i still find myself struggling to speak in english. i feel that i am wasted yet i still have like another 6 months or so to finally improve my communication skills as this would be my last chance in the united states. so i feel numb. today right here right now i will outlines somethings that has been running through my head:
1) i really really need A's for this semester. i wish i could just be sure about this but i am not. i feel like i have to try so hard to get the glimpse of As. Last night it looks easy to get an A but i still hope nothing screw up
2) i feel like i have no absolute commitment in anything. therefore i will try not to engage in any sort of of elationship.
3) i am fickle. i have no absolute idea what i will do let say in the next few hours. let alone planning a gigantic trip to hawaii. what i plan will change. what i am doing will not last. i will just say that i am spontaneous.
4) i dont feel like seeing people right now. so i lock my doors and shut down the messenger so nobody can communicate with me. i just need this time alone.
5) i think i am through with her. here is what i think about her:
>> she has no interest in me
>> she is a big spender
>> she is too self centered, always think she is cute and all that
>> she got another guy hanging on to her arms
>> she looks strange, she dress strangely beautiful
>> she is too stunning and outgoing
>> i dont really know her
>> she dont really no me
>> she dont care about me
>> she never wish me anything
>> she is uninterested
so i think i will just stop hoping for the miracle and let her go. let she go wherever she wants. i dont care. i mean really who cares. i am cute and attractive. why would i need her. btw, she has a boyfriend that looks like girlfriend. how disgusting looking at them both together. so i will not bother. let she smiles, yet her smiles are so sweet. so let she smiles. thinking just another thing about herself. i am done. bye bye